Hey guys, I’m still here ♡ during the last couple of weeks in August, I started having new and unsual pain in my inner KT thigh. It was constant, and so painful at times that it was hard to think about or focus on anything else.
I did not have any systemic symptoms or redness that accompanied the peculiar pain, so I decided to wait it out and see if it would dissipate on its own without me having it check out. A few days ago it did just that, luckily for me, but yesterday I awoke a with a deep knife-stabbing pain in my upper kt buttock region. It is reminiscent of the pain I had earlier this summer (and in the same location) during my last cellultic flare).
All this to say, I am mentally exhausted.
I have so much good in my life that I would not trade for anythint, but I am tired of worrying about my health 24/7. I’m tired of living with an incredibly unpredictable disease, and not knowing what it is going to throw at me next (or when).
As a lot of my older readers here know, I have had over 100 hospital stays, some of which were due to severe cellulitis infections A couple of those infections even evolved into sepsis, and nearly cost me my life. In addition to this,I have also contended with post-op complications that almost proved to be fatal.
For over half of my life, I was in a constant cycle of one severe infection after the next, and because of that I was forced to be in a perpetual state of survival mode.. And, because I had always survived each episode, I suppose I had felt this innate sense of invincibility throughout the years. Even despite several ICU stays, I was relatively unfazed at the sheer severity of the episodes I frequently endured.
However, in the past three years by the stroke of luck (and a good infectious disease doctor), I have had virtually no severe cellulits episodes, at least in comparison to my older ones. Since 2024, I have spent very minimal times inpatient at the hospital.
Because of the long reprieve, I have had a chance to look back upon my life and reflect upon all of the experiences i’ve been through. Having done that, I recognize that there were so many times I had come close to death that I took for granted at the time.
Now that I have gotten older, I realize that while I am strong, I am far from invincible.. that fact in and of itself petrifies me to my core. I have a condition that loves to throw daggers my way, and, as good as I’ve been at dodging them thus far, I am scared one will ultimately hit me.
I’ve also come to realize that time is the most precious and sacred gift of all, and that I hope to have so much more of it.
Anytime a new episode starts to emerge, it evokes this deep and utterly fierce primal fear in me that puts me right back into survival mode as it threatens my time here on Earth.
Not knowing whether this new pain will lead to another cellultic episode is so scary and mentally exhausting.
I am hoping that my normal daily antibiotic will be enough to suffice, but I guess I will find out shortly.
Sending love to all (and extra love to all of my other chronic illness warriors’ out there, as I know a lot of you can relate to having an unpredictable disease and how draining it is from a mental and emotional standpoint. My heart is with you all.
If you made it this far in the post, I just want to say thank you so very much for taking time out of your own life to read about some of mine.
May you be happy, safe, and well.
Talk soon. Xox – Ari