A couple of weeks ago, I awoke with tears parading down my face; I had just awoken from a dream that was undeniably bittersweet, one that left me feeling both nostalgic and simultaneously gratuitous toward the life I have now.
As a child, it was almost as if I had had this deep kind of love affair with life. A smile was never far from my face, while frowns and tears were usually way far off in the distance.
I had been born with Klippel-Trenaunay syndrome, which caused me to go septic at 2 months old. In addition, I had an invasive surgery around the time I was 2 (a debulking of one of my KTS impacted areas). Because I was so little when these things occurred, I luckily had virtually no memory of them as I approached early childhood.
My very early childhood years were rather idyllic in a multitude of ways; I had an amazing Mom, Dad, and older sister who meant everything to me, in addition to a slew of many other amazing family numbers. We took lots of vacations and went to lots of various fun places. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t spoiled back then. However, it was in way more than just a materialistic sense. While I was definitely spoiled with lots of toys and clothes, I was also spoiled with endless love and affection, which was also accompanied by little to no worries.
At the age of 6, I had another debulking surgery (except this one would be located upon my thigh). It was a very invasive operation, so I was admitted to the hospital to recover for a little while after. While staying over at the hospital with me following the operation, my Mom noticed that one of my drains (that had been attached to me after surgery to help drain out extra blood) was filling up at a rapid rate. She went and got the nurse, and next thing I know I was being whisked away into emergency surgery. It turns out I had developed a large hematoma from the initial operation the debulking surgery. My doctor said that by the time I had reached the operating table, my organs were getting ready to shut down, I had managed to survive on a whim. My Dad ended up providing me with blood for transfusions (he has a universal blood type), and that also helped get me through.
I would awake from that surgery, of course, but I would never be the same; I was forever changed. Honestly, looking back, I realize I lost a huge part of my childhood innocence that day, and a part of me has remained haunted from what happened even now. I would go on to endure much more trauma relating to my disease throughout the years, but I will still never forget “that” night, the one responsible for causing me to no longer be the carefree girl I was ever again.
While in the midst of dreaming weeks back, I was taken back in time, and I was watching myself play as a child in my old playroom. I was playing with my dollies, which were located inside one of the bins next to my old closet. I watched as I so innocently laughed and smiled with such utter delight and glee while playing with my dolls, without a single care in the world.
I don’t know how to explain this, but my conscious self knew I was watching my younger self play as a five year old.
While looking at my younger self, an overwhelming sense of love came over me. However, the love was also accompanied by some sorrow. I watched as I played with my dolls so carelessly, not knowing what was going to take place a mere year later that would forever change me.
I went over and hugged my childhood self and planted a loving kiss on the top of her head; knowing all of the hardship life held in store for me later on made me want to hold onto her so tight and not let go, but I did, and next thing I knew, I awoke. I may not have been able to save my younger self from all of the trauma that was headed her way, but I can continue to shower her with love, and lead her through life with affection and grace … by doing that, I am helping to do my part to protect that young girl who still lives inside me.
In my opinion, the fact that I’ve been able to do just that for as long as I already have, is a pretty good indicator that I will be able to do so moving forward. ♡
